Communication

There is nothing more important than communication in any relationship. It is universally crucial to be able to express your feelings with those around you. You especially need to feel comfortable with the person you choose as your spouse. When you get married you are bringing two separate lives together and making them one. You are going to do things differently. Talking things over and making compromise is important. You are going to value different things but if you care for one another you will be able to change and evolve together. Everything in life involves communication and things go over much better when people just express themselves and say what they are thinking instead of trying to please the other person all the time. It is important to be open communicators with your children and determine expectations and limitations. It is important to be consistent. Children usually do not react well to change. Talking with your children will also eliminate the possibility that they learn important things not in the home. Communicate your testimony with them. Communication in involved in everything we do. Taking the chances we are given to further relationships with others will develop open communication.

I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home

It always bothers me when people say that the mother is more important than the father. Although, mothers play an extremely important role in their children's life so do fathers. Research has shown that there is a direct correlation between having a family in the home and the future success of the child. We were assigned to write a paper for class on fatherhood. Part of the assignment was to look up a reliable article on the subject and I was so interested that I read a few. All of them talked about the misconception that fathers don't really matter. We also had the opportunity to reflect on the experiences we had with our own fathers which was a tender opportunity. I know from personal experience that fathers make a difference in the upbringing of a child. He was a very influential person in my life and continues to be. To finish the paper off we were required to think about our future and ponder on the kind of person we want to be as a father for the men and the way we want our husbands to do as women. Who you choose to marry has a resounding effect on the future of your life and your future children's lives. 

I would like to share the 5 main points I discovered:

1. Quality Time:

It is imperative that fathers spend quality time with their children. It is during this time that they are able to form bonds and relationships. When fathers set aside time to spend with their children they should not be distracted. This should be a time where the father’s undivided attention is on his child(ren). Children are very observant. When fathers take the time to talk with them and make them feel like a priority, it is more likely that trust will form between the two.

2. Authoritative Parenting

In Child Development class you learn that authoritative parenting is the most effective. Children are more likely to react well to consequences and restrictions when they have been communicated well. Fathers need to make sure that they communicate their expectations to their children. This way the consequences are not a surprise. This communication of rules should be done in a loving way with explanation to help the children understand and be more willing to be obedient.

3. Love Unconditionally and Express That Love Often

To ensure your children are happy and well adjusted they need to know they are loved. A good time for fathers too express their unconditional love is when you are setting and explaining family rules to their children. It will show them that you expect them to be obedient to your rules but if they do make a mistake although there are consequences you love them no less. Showing love is important but verbally saying it often is crucial. It will reinforce and strengthen a child’s confidence in their fathers love. You can never say ‘I love you’ too much. 

4. Be a Good Example

It is important for fathers to practice what they preach. It is hard for children to learn the value of hard work or manners if you do not possess those attributes yourself. Teach your children principles, and then let them learn by your example. Children will mimic what they see their parents doing. Be aware that your children’s eyes are always on you.

5. Dad Does Matter

Research shows that there is an influence that fathers have over their children that mothers do not. Fathers will often have a physical change when their child is born. He will experience an increase of oxytocin and a decrease of testosterone. Men were created to be an involved and vital part of a child’s life. Research proves that children that grow up in homes with loving involved fathers are more likely to be successful and less likely to get into trouble. Fathers should never think that their children are better off without them. A father’s influence and involvement has a long lasting effect. 

All five of these points are important on their own but when you put them together they are a true force for success. For a child to develop to their full potential these five things are needed. Dad does matter!!

Parenting

When we get married to our spouse the prospect of children is hopefully naturally going to become a serious topic of discussion. Starting a family is exciting but it can also be frightening. You are not going to be the perfect parent when you have your first child. It is a learning experience. You grow and improve with time. I know that my parents have evolved over time as they have become more confident  in their parenting. Through trial and error they were able to see what parenting techniques worked and which ones did not. The one thing that stayed constant was their expression of unconditional love. There is nothing more reassuring to a child than knowing without a doubt that they are loved and cared about. 

In class we discussed specific "needs":

1. May be physical and/or psychological. 

2. Needs overlap and intertwine.

3. Needs might vary depending on stage of life. 

4. Unmet needs result in tension or frustration. 

It is important for parents to consider the needs of their children and provide for not only their physical needs but emotional ones as well. Make sure that you identify specific needs that are truly what the individual child needs. Don't assume you know. Communicate with them and ask. 

"You can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need cannot satisfy you."

Make sure to involve Heavenly Father in your progress of being a good parents. Consult with Him about the actions you should take, especially when you are experiencing struggle. 

- Pray together as a couple about your children and how you should parent them.

Stressors

Every family no matter what the situation or circumstance is going to run into obstacles and hardships. Things are not always going to go as planned and there is nothing we can do about it. These are times when individuals have the opportunity to respond in a positive way and be a problem solver or they can be negative and add additional stress to the situation. A lot of times there are stressors that every family is going to face and it would be helpful to be able to identify these before they happen so you have the chance to come up with a solution. I think each individual child will bring different stressors to the family. Some kids might pick on their siblings while others are rebellious to rules. As a parent you have to respond to different stress situations in different ways depending on the personality of the child.

In class we were taught the ABCX model:

         Actual (the stressful event)
         Both (the resources and responses)
         Cognitions
total eXperience

This is a simple breakdown of the different points that make up the complete stressful experience.

It is always better to react to a problem calmly then dramatically. It only causes the issue to escalate into something bigger than it is if you make it that way. Don't create a bigger problem then is already there.

Blended Families

This week we focused a lot on blended families. We had the pleasure of listening to Brother Williams and his wife talk about their personal experience. It was interesting to hear first hand from two people that were part of blending their families and lives together. This idea of blending families has a major effect on children. A lot of change is involved and this causes some children to act out or become distant. It is important to monitor the reaction your children have to being introduced to a new special someone. It is incredible to hear stories of blended families that see their parent that might not be biologically theirs becomes their emotional support. When adoption happens these families truly are connected. The sealing power found in the temple is a blessing that can in all reality promise families the opportunity and promise to be together forever. This is an amazing ordinance that can take a blended family and make it an eternal one. I have a roommate that comes from a situation somewhat similar to this. Her father that adopted her is the man that raised her. She was blessed to be sealed to him and no longer sees herself as coming from a blended family. I think this is an incredible opportunity from people that might come from upsetting situations to have a second chance at happiness. It is not easy. It takes patience but it takes time. It is well worth it.

Couple Intimacy

Sometimes the topic of sex is a little uncomfortable or taboo but it doesn't have to be. When it is shared between a husband and wife it is something that can bring them together and strengthen their relationship. The experience is different for men and women and holds a different meaning. This is true for both during and after. It is important to respect each other when it comes to sex. It should never make either or both parties uncomfortable. It is a natural part of life but should be respected and honored. Those that wait until marriage are more likely to enjoy it. Although, sometimes it is a sensitive subject when you are close enough with someone it must be talked about. It is unhealthy to have opposing expectations. It is important to talk things over. A healthy sex life is a happy one.

Preparing for Marriage

This week we talked about the different steps toward marriage. There is Dating, Courtship, Engagement, and Marriage. A lot of times we don't think that it is necessary to include all of these steps when we are looking for someone that we want to start a life with. A lot of times young couples run into the problem of just hanging out instead of treating their relationship seriously. Marriage is not easy and if the time spent leading up to it is not preparing you it will be difficult. It is important for couples to spend a lot of time together to get to know one another. The more time you spend together the better prepared you will be to take the next step. Dating is a time to try out many different partners without getting too serious or attached. Once you have found someone that interests you it is time to court them and show them that you care. After a while of courting and strengthening your relationship you can move into engagement which is a promise towards marriage. I think young people rush these steps and end up in serious relationships that they were not ready for. It is important to take each step at a time and make sure you are progressing with a person that you see a future with. Don't waste your time with hanging out in groups. Get out there. Meet lots of different people, and date with a purpose.

Family Systems Project Talk

We have been working on a family systems project and I thought I would share some of the thoughts I had about what I learned. It is interesting to go through and depict the different roles each family member plays and the interactions between siblings and parents. I realized a few things that I want to do in my future family. I know when I have a family of my own I want my children to love and respect one another and be close friends. I hope to have my children be somewhat close in age. My parents have always been extremely united and supportive of each other. They are a good example of the kind of relationship I want to have with my husband. I want our parenting styles and skills to compliment each other. I will make sure that each of my children are loved and reared individually. Each child is different and won’t necessarily respond to the same technique of parenting. I think it is important to spend time together as a family and strengthen relationships and realize you are a family for a reason. It was special to take the time to think about my relationships with my family and it made me so grateful. I take my family for granted way too often. I am lucky to be loved as much as I am. It made me want to show my gratitude more often. It was a wonderful experience. 

Gender Roles

I really enjoyed our discussion on gender roles this week. I think it was extremely interesting to hear the different experiences and upbringings from different members of the class. We all have different backgrounds and sibling situations that make our experiences different. There are many different variables that go into making a certain gender the way that they are. Some of the things that are technically considered to be gender specific roles are not necessary true for all individuals. We are all born with innate personalities that make us who we are. We discussed the importance of not only teaching your girls things that are typical for girls and boys skills that are typical for boys. It is beneficial for children to be well rounded and be taught how to do a variety of things. Parents should parent each child despite their gender differently depending on their personality. Siblings will have an influence as well as parents. 

I know in my family of three girls and one boy there were a lot more emotions that the typical family. My brother although a male with many naturally masculine traits was born sensitive. The was only heightened by the fact that he was raised with a bunch of women. My older sister was a tom boy until high school. Then I came along and was a girly girl. This just proves that although certain characteristics are gender specific it does not mean that all individuals will possess those characteristics. 

Entry #3

This week we talked about interesting topics. I was intrigued by the role play we did in class. Students were acting as a Mexican family that were discussing and deciding whether or not it was worth crossing the boarder into America. There was the struggle within the immediate and extended families since spending time together is very important to the Mexican culture. The father ended up going ahead of the rest of the family. This unfortunately caused major strain on the family. The father was lonely and found it hard to trust people. The mother was forced to work in order to make ends meet. The kids were neglected more and as a whole family they were not as close anymore. It is heart breaking to know that families are trying their hardest to find a better life and in the progress end up growing further apart. It is different for each family but there is a good chance that there will be negative affects on the family relations. It was a good learning experience and it made me more sympathetic to people in broken home families.

Theories and Unspoken Rules

We started off the week by discussing the difference between theory, hypothesis, and law.

Theory is the attempt to explain phenomena.

Hypothesis is an educated guess.

Law is a notion with no exceptions. 

We focused a lot of time on becoming familiar with the four different theories about families. 

First, family systems theory which explains the roles that each family member plays and the rules that are expected to be followed. Second, exchange theory where individuals weigh out the costs and benefits of situations depending on their experiences with others. Third, symbolic interaction theory describes that individuals have a difference in perception of everyday situations and the importance of realizing that the way you see things might not be the way someone else does. Finally, conflict theory which talks about the struggle over power and money. 

Each of these theories is important to understand in order to realize that everyone is different and you can't expect them to think or react to things the same way that you do. We all have our own value system and must be sensitive to others. 

We also discussed the idea of UNSPOKEN RULES that are often evident in most households. At first it was hard for me to come up with the unspoken rules of my house growing up but then I quickly started recalling them.

1. Kneel down for family prayer.

2. Don't talk back to mom.

3. Attend church meetings.

4. Don't bug mom when she is on the phone. 

5. Replace the toilet paper if you are the last one the finish off a role. 

6. Never complain about what is for dinner.

These are just a few of the unspoken rules I came up with for my family. 

Quote of the week: You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need will never satisfy you. 

Entry #1

I am taking a Family Relations class this semester and this blog is going to be devoted to the insights and knowledge I gain from assignments and class discussions. I am excited to learn about the inter workings of the family and better understand how I can personally be a positive influence in my current and future family. The first few classes of the semester have been focused on learning about different things that are causing contention on the family. By coming familiar with this information it will help me avoid some of the fatal things that are destroying families today. I am excited to learn more and improve my skills in order to help others as well. It is going to be a great semester.